I’ve seen it more times than I care to remember: A group of guys (alpha muts) sitting around a dinning hall table or student center or wherever, first semester coming to a close, reminiscing about all the strange they crushed before parting ways for winter-break. Then, all of a sudden a girl they met at orientation walks by. The conversation sinks to a whisper and each has the same “how the f*ck do you gain that much weight in 3 months?” look on their face. Stymied, universally disgusted, and each internally asking themselves, “Would I still fuck this girl, even though she's managed to morph into a walking tire-swing?” The answer is a resounding "yes," all would. But this, my friends, is the Freshmen Fifteen.
Never a true sex deterrent (provided it isn’t gained on top of already generous layers of lard) the Freshman Fifteen isn’t the worst thing that can happen to a girl (that’s vag herpes or a very public episode of pants-shitting) but it isn’t the best either. And since fall semesters are undereway and there is still time to reverse the curse, I can’t think of a more college specific topic to tackle than girls who let themselves slide. Dudes fall into the same trap too, with the deafening alcohol abuse and late night face-stuffings, but we are judged differently. Don’t blame me for this, I don’t make the rules. I just sit back and call it like I see it. And sometimes “it” is a fucking fat chick that thinks her muffin top isn’t destroying everyone’s day.
I realize this is going to be criticized by my Feminist friends, but I hope they can cut the shit with all their tunnel vision and see this for the benevolent, extended-hand of loving guidance that it is.
1. You will be fucked, but not dated
Even dudes who drunkenly tip the occasional cow NEVER date fat girls. A fuck sesh can always be excused (we've been known to big game hunt just for the sport of it), but you can’t blame an entire relationship on drinking too much booze.
2. Weight Gain= Sweat Gain
As if the extra fat and asthmatic breathing weren’t bad enough, now you’ve got sweat gushing from your every orifice. Your pits are soaked, your brow is beading-up, and no one should go near the place where your asshole and vag intersect without a fucking HAZMAT suit. Suffice to say that grabbing vaginal wipes will become as second nature to you as mouth breathing
3. People will be talking about your gunt on Thanksgiving and Christmas Break
The guy who used to put you in the bowling ball grip in high school is standing at the other end of the party giving you the “eye.” Unfortunately he’s not thinking “Man I’m gonna hit that shit for old time sakes,” he’s actually thinking, “Fuck me, Suzy’s got a baby kangaroo stuffed into her upper cunt.”
4. Irreversible Body Damage
Now that you’ve got the flesh version of Hulk Hogan’s fanny pack, no amount of Coco Butter or Vitamin E is going to be able to rid you of the new stretch marks creeping up your hips. And your tits, yeah they might be bigger, but they are also bustling with spider veins. Not exactly what every dude wants to see as he’s sucking on your tuners.
5. Being a fat shit can lead to serious medical conditions
Strokes, cancer, heart disease, Type II diabetes -- you name it, an excess of fat can cause it. Lucky for you, the only real health conditions that 15 pounds of pure fat will cause is unattractiveness and slack-jawed vagina syndrome (not scientifically proven, but most fat chicks have enough twat girth to fit an entire powder keg up themselves. And that, in-and-of-itself, seems pretty serious to us.).
6. If you keep expanding you’ll need all new clothes
No matter what your father does for a living, covering your ever-expanding ass isn’t on his bucket-list. O.K, this one is admittedly a stretch because chicks love to shop, but speaking of “stretch,” do humanity a favor and burn all of your stretch pants. The fact that your ass now has ITS OWN ASS is appalling.
7. You’re going to look like utter shit in pictures posted to your Facebook
When you look back at the best years and times of your life, you aren’t going to want to do so with regret and a vomit bag at your side. This is doubly important for those chicks that aren’t the most physically gifted in the face. You might not be able to control that you have a gorilla’s jaw-line, but being a revered as a mere butter-face is light years better than having no redeemable photogenic qualities whatsoever (See: ugly AND fat).
8. Burning it off won’t be nearly as easy or as fun as putting it on
Before long, you’ll start to see your body’s grotesque deformation and begin regretting the late nights of shooting Papa John’s garlic sauce into your now-bulbous gullet. You'll resolve to resolve this, but it will take more effort than you can imagine because the lifestyle of your average collegiate makes losing weight especially difficult during the semester. That is, unless you can become a recluse and forgo all partying. But that is no way to live, so if you must chug fast food at 4 a.m., make sure you are hitting the gym.
I should end this by noting that before writing this I talked to a number of chicks on the topic and most of them ran into the same type of problem. In high school they were athletic. They ran track, swam, played field hockey, etc. When they got to college, however, none of them were on teams but their eating habits never changed and their drinking increased ten-fold. Don’t let this be you. Or let it, someones got to keep Jenny Craig in business.
Follow J.Camm on Twitter
GIRLS IN THIS POST: