We put this on a timer to be posted on Thanksgiving Day, since it is such appropriate pre-feast reading to work up an appetite. So before we get down to the smut, allow me offer my finest regards and a Happy Thanksgiving to all of you. You're a bunch of opinionated pricks, don't ever change. Now on to the smut.

I know that as recently as last week I claimed that overexposure to porn is a growing problem for men who can't control themselves, but when Matty Flonase asked me to assist him in finding the best stars in the business all I could do was oblige. Who knows when I'll need a favor from that bastard or even a fallout shelter. Plus, it's porn, not black-tar heroin; even the most severe addicts can still lead semi-normal lives.

As you have seen, Matt took the brunettes while I got the joy of finding the blondes. Which is like giving me a glass of garbage water to quench my thirst. I love a good blonde, God dammit I do, but good blondes in porn are hard to find. Damn hard. Because most blondes in porn carry that "slut factor," which I love, but they aren't always dimes, especially when you are asked to uncover 40 of them.

Bree Olson

Fun Fact: She recently took home Howard Stern's coveted title of the World's Biggest Whore. She also has one of the most fictitious Twitter accounts in the world. "I was at Wendy's grabbing a five piece nugget when I decided to just fuck a janitor named Horatio in a broom closet. My pussy was soaking wet and his cum tasted like a jar of El Paso."

Briana Banks

Fun Fact: Banks was one of the original porn stars to have an action figure made in her likeness. I don't know who the target consumer for that product would be, but I hope they at least gave her a worthy set of genitalia.

Briana Blair (AKA Brandy)

Fun Fact: Prior to moving to L.A. to pursue a career in fucking, Briana was a dancer for the Atlanta Hawks. So it's safe to assume that she isn't shy around a 14-inch cock.

Gina Lynn

Fun Fact: I understand she isn't the swankiest dame on the block but the truth is, the only reason I chose her was because she had a brief speaking role as a stripper (go fig) in "The Sopranos." Paulie Walnuts was like "Hey, Cunt, go fetch me some Baja Fresh." And Tony was all, "Jesus fuckin' Christ, Paulie, have some fuckin' manners." And then Gina was like, "No it's O.K., Mr. Soprano, Cunt is my stage name." End scene.

Hannah Hilton

Fun Fact: The sole reason she started doing hardcore porn is because her boyfriend, who is conveniently also a porn star, refused to give up porn for her. As of late 2009, it was reported that Hilton had left the industry. Although I hope that is false, because her body is bountiful, I couldn't find it in me to care enough to corroborate that claim.

Jana Jordan

Fun Fact: Along with fellow porn star and the next entry on our list, Jayme Langford, Jordan created a band called "Pajamaband." Their motto is "The Best Band in the Land." You don't believe that shit? Just look below.

Jayme Langford

Fun Fact: When asked in an interview about how the public reaction has been to Pajamaband, Langford said, "Our stuff is pretty likable, people just kind of like it." Boom! Best band in the fucking land, bitches!

Jenny Hendrix

Fun Fact: The only semi-interesting thing, outside of her profession, that I could find out about her is that she has multiple Hello Kitty tattoos. That could not be more off-putting.

Jenna Jameson

Fun Fact: She is washed up but given her iconic status in the porn industry (something she should no doubt have engraved on her tombstone) we threw her one last bone.

Kacey Jordan

Fun Fact: She is 22 years young and her chest is flatter than pancaked shit.